My Story

April 22, 2024. I went into my doctors office for a routine 38 week appt.  Over the weekend I had felt that I hadn't felt a ton of movement but chalked it up to I'm getting close to delivering Maddox he is just making his way down everything is fine. My doctor had used the handheld device to look for the heart beat. It seemed like she was struggling to find a beat and took me down the hall to the ultrasound tech to take a closer look. After a few minutes of my obg and the tech searching around, I heard her say "are you convinced" and they both gave each other a look and agreed and delivered the words that no expecting mother ever anticipates hearing. Maddox did not have a heartbeat. 

My immediate reaction was how did this happen? My doctor's response, these things happen. 

I immediately called my husband and told him we had lost our son and he needed to come meet me right away. We had to go to the hospital. 

I sat in my car to wait for him and went into survival mode. I called my sister to come right away, I reached out to friends to help with my kids and got in touch with my parents who were away at the time, and told them they needed to come home right away. 

When David finally arrived in an uber, we started driving to the hospital. I was in complete shock, and David was in complete hysterics. At some point on 78 we had to pull over and switch seats so I could get us to the hospital. In those moments my main focus was, I have to get him out of me and then figure out the rest. 

We sat in a private waiting room until they were able to get us a room far enough from other expecting parents. 

When we went out to finally get into the room, it all started to sink in. 

I now started to have to make decisions about an epidural, pitocin, and what happens after he is delivered. Do we want to hold him, dress him? What do we do with his body? Do we want an autopsy, what kind of testing. I again went into decision making survival mode and approached every decision, with again the goal of I need to get this over with and I need to go home. Once he was delivered is when the real pain and reality of the situation began to sink in. We held him for what seemed like hours and what seemed like not enough time. When we finally felt ready to say goodbye, I felt ill and the deepest sadness I have ever felt. It just didn’t seem real that this happened. 

That night we cried ourselves to sleep, if you even can call that sleep. Once morning came I immediately called the nurses and just wanted to get home to my other children and feel the comforts of my home and put the worst day of my life behind me. The days that followed were some of the darkest days. 

During those dark days I began to see a glimmer of light when I decided to give meaning to our beautiful Maddox and create a foundation and honor his life. I will forever miss the son we lost and will think of him everyday. 

Maddox you were loved from the moment we found out we were pregnant, you will be loved and missed forever.